Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Journey to Inside Yourself

Walking naked that day, seeking answers, blindly boldly traveling down the way... I have walked and walked on this empty road to nowhere, endlessly seeking on the road never ends it just forever twists and bends.....I heard a voice call to me..
"For every question under the sun, there will be an answer or there will be none.. let not your wonder go unattended, feast your eyes upon the resolution....However, you should know, the answer is utterly insignificant, as unquestionably, the answer is always really found in why we seek the answer to the question to begin with, but do not stop your ponder until you have obtained your own absolution, just keep seeking"..
The day passed on to night and I was stumbling naked down the dark road between here and there when I saw a street light ahead. It seemed so close, but still took what felt like the better part of an hour to reach.
When by complete happenstance I come upon a bridge. I looked over the bridge into the still water below and start to ponder this all."How the hell did I get here?"
The water rippled, and my reflection spoke to me, "Well, you walked of course." '
I laughed uncontrollably, at the humor of my own reflection, and called back "Well, why in God's name would I walk all this way, naked in the dark and lost?"
The water rippled and my reflection called back, "Because you can, and for this reason, you will keep walking until the very end of that road, and at the very end, you will surely see, that it is okay to continue on, even naked, lost and at night "
"Well.." I called back, " I just want to let you know, I think this is all insane! Just a really insanely stupid thing to try and test...."
I was about to walk away when she called to me, "You have an army at your side, that only you refuse to see, believe and keep walking, it is going to be just fine.."
I just walked away and called into the darkness that engulfed me as I left the only light..."Either I have lost my mind or I am dreaming. Clearly this is not real, she is not real, none of this is real, this is just another of my insane dreams that will end soon, I'll just keep walking and I will wake up soon, I will just keep walking.." I just kept walking on and on. In truth, I may have turned back, but I hadn’t a clue where I had come from or even where I was going, where going back went to or even where going forward would lead me to.

The Journey to Inside Yourself

Looking up the wall of ice and the ice picks in my hand, I felt for sure I would never escape this cold death. But, you be dam sure I would die trying before I froze here with the tools to save my life in my hands.
Looking up to a height that ascended past my vision, my heart pounded, I drove the ice pick into the ice wall and the sound of the shattering ice filled the valley where I stood... Again and again, I stabbed the icy wall as I climbed out of the frozen hell.. I promised myself I would not look down, so I couldn't tell how far I had come. But the climb went on and on and night fall came before I reached a respite.What I thought was the top was only a small overhang, the next climb was twice as long, and twice as steep, The fear swept through me as I thought of climbing through the night with only the stars to guide me, but only for a moment as soon a quiet war waged on inside me and the climb began...

"I am going to get out of here... not even the darkest night would stop me from climbing.. I got places to go and things to see, and freezing here, alone in the cold, naked in the dark isn't one of them."

My arms grew tired and I begged myself for strength to make the last of the journey. The unmistakable dead weight of my legs grew heavier as the climb went on. But I climbed on and on until my arms felt as though they would break if I moved them. Then I just hung there praying... praying... breathing and praying for what felt like eternity...Then the wind touched the back of my neck, I opened my eyes and started to climb, almost without fear, just quietly climbing the ice wall that was there. I was finally at peace with the pains that ached within me as I climbed, numb and silent, I stabbed that ice wall...

The sun came up and climbed on... Soon I came to a long break in the ice wall. It was wide enough for me to climb into, so I wedge myself between it and while I was sitting there I carved my name into the ice.. "Kay Titanium Jewels" and I ate the ice that broke away..My laughed echoed through the ice canyon, as I climbed on. "I so got this wall, it may be twice as big, but I so got this.” I stabbed that icy wall over and over that day, on and on I climbed that wall.Just a day ago, I thought the light and color of life would never return. But alas, the sun came round world and back to warm my face again. As the golden streaks of sunlight peaked upon the horizon, my fear ebbed and I crawled over that last ice wall and entered the frozen desert that I had thought I would never reach...

Never had I been so grateful to see the flat barren lands that stretched before me for as far as I could see. As the ice turned to hot sand beneath my feet, the warmth thawed my skin and blood return to my toes..But still, I was grateful for the burning sensation of pain as I knew this meant I was alive...As I walked nearly blinded by the sun through the desert, the scorching sand on my feet burned and blistered my skin. However, it didn't matter.. I just kept walking naked through the desert heat...

I needed to rest, but to lie down now was to risk never getting up again. I needed to find water, shade, and shelter from the cold night that would come when the sun fell beyond the horizon. I was thirsty, parched and sunburned from head to toe but I walked on and on. Alone in the desert heat, with no reference behind or in-front me to tell how far I had come, I couldn't tell exactly how far I had gone or where the ice wall was from here, but I could tell from the sun that my hours of daylight where numbered. Soon I would be relieved of the heat and frozen once again if I didn't make it out of the desert soon.

My legs felt as though they I had been walking for years, my toes burned and my feet sunk deeper with each step kicking sand up as I walked on and on.Far off in the distance I saw a flicker of green among the shimmering white..As I walked forward the dark spot on the horizon it grew bigger and bigger and soon I was walking in fields of green, out of the desert and into the forest. For sure it was really real, I had reached the end of the desert, stumbled into the forest and there before my eyes was a crystal lake so wide that I couldn't even see the other side.

I reached the edge and bent over, looking upon my sunburned windblown reflection, I spooned myself some water and drank thirstily. Never had the water felt so good on my lips, tasted so sweet in my mouth, I drank it gluttonously, taking as much into my mouth as I could, bending into the water and splashily splashing onto my burning skin, and eventually sinking myself into the crystal lake to cleanse the pain from my body..The cold water on my sunburned and blistered skin felt so revitalizing and renewing, like a glove of cool salve on a blistered hand...

After my swim, I pulled myself from the water and lay down on a sun warmed rock to dry, my eyes shut and my breathing slowed, for a long while, I was quiet and thoughtful. Even after I opened my eyes, I just lay their marveling the stars and peace became me. It was something that even with all my fancy words I couldn't describe. That moment when you know, it's going to okay... even walking naked, lost and through the dark, it was going to be just fine.

It seemed the world was empty, everywhere I wandered, all the places I had pondered, I could not find her anywhere. I searched and searched those barren lands, day in and day out, out of the ice canyon, through the dry frozen desert, into the forest, and beyond...I stopped upon the edge of the river that I had been following for days, I stooped down low to drink from the water, and as the water cascaded through my fingers it pooled on the rock where I sit.I looked into the puddle that had formed on a large smooth rock and was surprised to see the girl's face right inside.

"Oh my! I had no idea that you were in there, I have been looking for you everywhere.."
When the girl spoke, her voice seemed so familiar and yet so vastly different that anything I had ever heard before, "I have been neither very far behind, nor very far in front you, I am always inside you."

"You said this before, but I haven't a clue what that means"" I cried to her, "Please, can't you just tell me how to find you, it is such a long way and I am scared here without you."

"You are never without me, the only way to find me is open your eyes and look upon yourself" The tear rolled off my face and into the puddle, just a small splash, but the girl was gone and I was alone again.
I looked up at the sky and screamed, "This is so maddening, where in this empty barren world is inside yourself!" the sound of my own voice echoed through the world, but is was still only me, not a single other sound of movement was heard, not one bird chirped, nothing.. just me

I have been wondering naked, through an empty world, a frozen ice that led to the deserts burning sands, to this forest looking for place called "inside yourself" for days and days, and had only seen the girl I seek once in all that time.. in a puddle nonetheless. I was tired of walking along this river that never ends to this place that seemingly can't be found, looking for a girl that quite possibly never even existed to begin with.."Clearly I have gone insane looking for a girl that doesn't exist, this is all just another crazy dream."

I sat down, looked upon the yonder and begin to silently ponder the ways I could find my way to "inside yourself" but truthfully, I had not a clue what to do...If I knew where I was going, this might not have been such a challenge, but as it stood, I could quite possibly wonder this godforsaken land looking forever and ever and never find Inside Yourself.

I saw a floating stick pass by the river my way, suddenly and for reasons even I can’t explain, I bounded to my feet and dove into the water to bring it to shore. However, it was much bigger than I anticipated and moving much faster that I thought, so instead I just lay-atop of the log and let it carry my swiftly down river.
"Well, one can only I hope to have caught a ride to this place called "inside yourself" and not further away...but either way this sure beats walking.."

Floating naked down the endless river, staring at the sky, floating seemingly faster and faster each moment, I became aware the roaring sound that sounded similar to the sound of elephants running on the ground. I looked around and didn't see anything, but the sound got louder and louder, until suddenly the horizon in-front of me turned into white roaring foam, and at the exact moment I realized what was happened, I suddenly was falling through the sky...

Over the waterfall, I went, falling through the air for what felt like miles but surely wasn't -I started to pray, and just when I felt the water touch my skin I pushed all the air out of my lungs and quickly swallowed all the air my little lungs could take.. I was swiftly submerged so deep, with no way to tell what way was up and how to get to air, I just prayed and prayed. I open my eyes to see which way the bubbles from my mouth were going...

I was still sliding deeper and deeper and the bubbles were flowing above my head, I suddenly touched the bottom and there was serenity about me.. My ears and lungs felt as though they would burst, but I stopped trying to fight the pain in my lungs. The water falling from above just keep pushing me down, I pushed off the bottom and tired to swim but I got nowhere. The last of my air was trickling out of my mouth.  I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, so I just relaxed. I couldn't fight it anymore, I watched the scenes of all the places I had been looking for "inside yourself" passed before my eyes until everything went dark...Just as the flash went out, the brightest light I had ever seen appeared before my eyes...and the Queens Double appeared to me to give me her very last breath, and soon, I was sputtering and coughing water out of my mouth at the waterside...somewhere very far  from where I had fallen...

I pulled myself upon the water’s edge in the meadow where I found myself, and lay there for a long long while.. I was tired and scared; I just couldn’t help but cry. Tears flowed down my face as the pain dam burst inside. Flowing from me, it all spilled out into the vastness of the world around me..As it all seeped out, I thought the world would drown in my blood an tears...crumpled in a naked heap, a bundle of madness, a mess of sadness, I just let it all go.... 

As it left me, the pain ebbed a little, and I started to drift into a peaceful lucid dream where I saw the girl. She was running on the beach, an ocean of my tears, her footprints washed away with each lap of the rolling tide... I ran to catch up to her, "Hey Wait Up! I have been looking for you!.." 

She acted as though she couldn't hear me and kept running down the beach.. So I ran faster and faster, screaming louder and louder, but seemingly never made any headway... 

"Hello, Girl from Inside Yourself, Please Help Me!" and she stopped, turned and called back to me... "Well, Hello again, we have been waiting for you.. Take a walk with me..

Seemingly, only two steps later we were walking silently side by side.. This was so strange because I felt like I had run ten miles just a minute or so ago and not gotten anywhere close to her.. "Girl, I'm so confused this all seems so bizarre and unreal, why am I walking naked through the world?"

There was a long pause before she spoke and the gentle lapping of the ocean filled the silence.. "Because to find the Girl Inside Yourself you must bear yourself to the world.. As frightening as it is, it is within the reflection of your Journey you will find her and not a moment before the journey is done. We must keep going, keep seeking and searching this whole world through to find the girl called you.." 

Just then, she walked onto the water and beckoned me to follow.. As if I was weightless and the water was ice, I followed her blindly across the foggy ocean surface, never sinking or splashing, never did the waters surface even ripple as we walked together...quietly seeking.. The Girl from Inside Yourself..

When I woke up I had no way to know which way to go from here. The thought of moving one more muscle without first having good direction as where I was going, was not one I was going to face..For days I lay there, watching the sun come and go, bringing with it the cool breeze of night and later the morning light.. On day seven, I saw a little morning bird nearby that seemed to be watching me as I lay there defeated.  I began to talk to the morning bird.

"Well, hello Morning Bird, I think at some point long ago I lost something valuable. I am not sure what it was or where I was going, I am not sure if it twas the fear of climbing the ice wall with only the ice picks, the blistering heat of the desert, or maybe something the during the fall.. but I have no idea how I got to here, from where I came, or even where I am going.. Do you know where am I going, what am I doing, or even who I am..?"
"Whooo-whooo" the bird called..
"Me neither, morning bird, me neither.."
"Whooo-whooo" the bird called.
When the sun peaked at its highest point, I rolled over and looked into the water’s edge and there was a girl staring back at me.
"Why Hello, who are you?"
"I am your guide- you are walking naked to find the girl "inside yourself", you cannot sit here any longer, you must keep walking.

"But, why... Why am I am walking, where am I going and when will this all end"

"You must find the girl inside yourself to find the answers to these questions""

I reached into the water to touch her, but when my hand touched the still water’s surface, the bird chirped, and the girl faded into my reflection..

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called..

"Okay Morning Bird, we will keep walking... but you lead the way"

The bird jumped off the branch and flew to a tree nearby and I followed...

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called.. and when I got to the tree where she was, she flew to the next tree and called to me "Whooo-whooo"

"Surely, Morning Bird, this is the craziest dream I ever did have..waking naked through the meadow following a bird to far away land called "Inside Yourself"..I do hope you lead me to "Inside Yourself" soon"

"Whooo-whooo" the bird called..
Halfway through the meadow, she sat upon a fallen log, on the edge of the path and looked the crisp leaves that had fallen from the tree above...

"Whooo-Hooooo" morning bird called.

"Ohh Morning Bird, I am so very tired, it is such a long journey to "inside yourself". We haven't seen the girl in twenty days and twenty nights.. I am not so sure we are even headed in the right direction anymore.."

"Whooo-hooo" Morning bird called.

"Oh Morning Bird, how are we to ever find the girl from "inside yourself" now?"

Morning Bird jumped off the branch where she was perched, and trotted around on the ground at my feet... "Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo..." Chirping her song, as she pranced around my feet and then flew to a tree down the way...and called to me again..

"WHoooo whooooo"

"I do not want to walk anymore Morning Bird... I do not want to go on, this is insane.. I have been walking naked in the meadow, blindly following a bird, to a place called "inside yourself", seeking a girl that may not exist.. and I have no idea where I am going..."

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo" she called me..

I jumped to my feet, waking to the sound of her morning bird call... "Okay, Morning Bird, here I come, but I am trusting on you to lead me to the girl who resides at the place called "inside yourself"..


After a while longer, we reached the other side of the meadow, and stood at the top of a hill looking over the land below. Looking down, scanning the horizon, suddenly my eyes fell upon the most peculiar thing I had ever seen... Here in the middle of nowhere was a maze of walls, built around what appeared to be a tiny castle, that seemed so small and far away...

"Oh my, Morning Bird, do you really think we can make it through that..."

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo"...

"Do you think that castle is "Inside yourself", do you really think the girl is there?

"Whoooooo-hoooooooo, Whoooooo-hoooooooo"she called to me as she flew above...

"I guess we shall soon see Morning Bird.."

I had walked naked for miles and miles, days and many nights, through this empty barren world, only to find the maze of deceit, which one could only hope would lead me to the land called Inside Yourself to find the girl who resides there..

When I came to the wall of the maze, there didn't seem to be an opening anywhere to be seen, from where I stood it looked solid through and through in all directions, impossibly tall and terribly thick, patched with overgrowth and moss several inches deep..

I was so despaired, I thought I would weep. As I leaned my back against the wall, just about to sit and bawl, I suddenly began to fall. Fall I did, right through that green moss covered wall.. Looking around, I realized I had fallen into a long tunnel that appeared to extend infinitely for exactly the same distance at both ends...

Sitting in crumpled heap on the rock hard ground "Well" , I said more to myself than the bird who had been following me for sometime, "The journey to "Inside Yourself" is forever long and full of many perils, not exactly a tourists dream vacation.. "

I stood up and brushed the dirt out of my skin and reached out to touch the wall I had just fallen through... My hand just fell straight through, so I touched the wall behind me thinking this was the solid wall I would follow looking for a new door... and again my hand just fell through..

So I walked up and tried to look past the moss, sure enough it appeared to be only hanging there, giving the image of a wall, rather than really being a wall.. Everywhere I looked there was just moss overhanging and everywhere I pressed I could just push through...

So I pressed on, walking through wall after wall of the maze of deceit, laughing at how much fear I had of this very maze as walked up to it from afar, picturing all the things that could happen if was lost in there forever..

It's amazing how sometimes a wall really is a door...