Sunday, March 10, 2013

The Journey Out

When I wake up in the morning my eyes open and suddenly I am confronted with thousands of images, each one representing a life choice that I made to bring me to today. 

Today is a very important day for me, although it’s probably just an ordinary day for most of you. Today celebrates year three of my new life. In my new life, I am free from answering to anyone for anything but myself. In my new life, when I make a mistake it is only me who will ask why. In my new life, no one has the right to question me, or is entitled to answers, no one person can make me do what I don’t want to do. No persons can abuse me; no persons can use me, no persona to tell me that my best wasn't good enough.

I lived 27 years in secret and in hiding, only sharing my thoughts and feelings with myself. For 27 years I kept my true intimate desires a secret, my true identity was always hidden. I’ve lived many lives in my short life here on earth, and always with someone else beating the drum to the tune that in-which I would march. For many years I thought I would never achieve freedom from persecution, and I often felt hopeless. Years of abuse and misuse of my soul eventually took its toll.

Three years ago today I sat in my bed and cried. I felt that I had no escape. I looked out the window and longed for a day just to taste what others felt every day of their lives. I yearned to free myself from the tangled web I had weaved. Stuck at the end of what seemed like the longest tunnel I have ever seen, I suddenly decided I was getting out. I would see that light someday.
One day at a time I began to change, it started with the change of mind. With a new mind set I began to make choices that now I can hardly believe I had done.

Day after day, I silently waited for the break in the darkness just to peek at the sun. Suddenly the tunnel ended and I was in a forest of new choices. Each branch that fell in my way I pushed aside. Each tree that stood in the way of my path, I fell. Fallen trunks littered the floor of the forest when I was done.

All the boulders that always seemed like unmovable objects suddenly were but, pebbles in my shoe. Running alone threw this forest for one year remaking the scenery to appear as I like. It has not been easy I have worked 28 days out of every month, each year just to pay the bills. I have carried a child on my back this whole way, always protecting her and stopping only when she tires. Our pace has been relentless as we cut through the night, just her and me. I have slept alone and woke even lonelier, I have refused to stop for even the smallest of my pleasures like dinner or a date. 

Today I know that all along I should have known what I know today. I don’t need a man, who will abuse me. I don’t need a sister that would use me, and I certainly don’t need a mother who I felt never rescued me. I need only the very beautiful things that I already have inside to provide. I know that, I am smart and beautiful and I deserve to be me. I know that although it looked scary from inside the tunnel, the forest is a much nice place to be. I know that although it has been hard, and almost seemed impossible at times, being free is worth every minute of the agony, pain and suffering I have had to endure to achieve this moment of Glory.

So if you’re alone and suffering in silence start walking down that tunnel one way or the other both ways lead out. When you reach the forest remember to stay on the path and move the objects in your way. Don’t change course, you must climb over, cut down and keep running.  The beast will challenge you and try to make you cower in fear. Know that his growl is so much greater than his bite. It will hurt and you will feel pain but, it is nothing in comparison to the freedom you will gain.