Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My First and Last Day

Trying to find the words to describe how I felt then realizing that there were none. The pain so deep, the sadness so great, I went deep into myself, into my soul. I heard the words and saw the actions, but I just could not comprehend. Where did the love go, why was it all gone, will it ever be okay again? It grieved me, it pained me, and almost broke me.

Was it all an illusion, did you only feed my delusions; my mind was spinning in revolutions’. In that moment I was humbled, I had been broken, my spirit was crumpled. My legs felt weak beneath me, my feet felt like lead on the ground, but the girl inside my head said,

"Run child, run fast, don’t stop until you are free, do not look back not even for me run, run, run child quick with me"

So I set my feet on the floor, I looked around to set my path. Without another thought, I ran as fast as I could. One foot in front of the other and suddenly I felt like was flying. Feet pounding on the ground, slamming the cement, heart racing, and adrenaline pumping I went on.
The pain in my heart eased a little with each step. The rain hitting my face felt like ice but I felt little of it as I ran the whole night through. Tears streaked my face the wind burned my cheeks, but it did not stop me. I just kept running until the breath ran right out of me. I did not look back, I just ran blindly, wet with rain and tears, filled with pain and fears.

When the sun came up, I fell asleep in the park.  When my eyes closed from fatigue the world grew dark behind my eyes. Then a bright light in darkest dark I had ever seen appeared to me 
He came close enough to me that I could see his familiar eyes. He said to me without ever even blinking or changing his smiling expression.

“Everything seems so dark right now, times seem so gray. Do not lose your way, do not let the pain and sadness block out the light. Don’t give up the fight.  Look around for signs that I am near, for I am with you every breath you draw. You are never without me, I am always here, always near, I am everywhere. Do not have fear, you may feel alone and sad, but I promise this won’t always be the way. Some day you will be with me, you will think of these terrible times you had and won’t remember the pains you have had. “ I cried out in my sleep, I moaned and begged him to come for me. He did not take me.

When I woke, the sun had fallen behind the horizon and the sky was filled with pink and yellow streaks. A calm had come over me, nevertheless my heart was heavy, yet it seemed possible to go on. The pain almost felt gone, I was numbed in such a way that I could not explain.

I didn't realize that day when I woke, with those first words I spoke, that it had all but gone away. It felt like they were all in place, but really what I had done was locked them in that special space. I was a clean slate, and I was no longer was filled with only hate. I had managed to forget the pain, but all the facts still remained. What an odd feeling it was to wake up one day, and not have a memory of your own personal history. To not really notice that I didn't remember why I was so sad for so long, like I did that day. To just know that you are who you are, because you know it. Not because you remember what made you what you are.

Ten years came and past before anyone but me knew anything about the mirror and me.